It’s never easy being alive: the stresses of the unrelenting daily grind can feel overwhelming. Sometimes you just want to end it all by ending it all. Goodbye cruel world ! It’s so tempting to take a quick and easy way out.
The French philosopher Camus believed the only valid question a person should ask themselves was why bother staying alive in a meaningless world?
What’s the point? What’s it all about?
The S word Suicide. The cutting of the self.
But instead of taking drastic and irreversible measures, here’s a handy guide to killing yourself — without actually doing it. Remember, it’s all in the mind. And you will feel all the better for it.
Today we are looking at the art of pseudo-suicide, so called because no humans are harmed. No one dies.
Step 1: The Existential Crisis Starter Pack
First things first, cultivate a robust existential crisis. Contemplate the futility of existence, the vastness of the universe, and your seemingly insignificant role in it. That should get you in an existential frame of mind. Good or bad.
Think deeply about questions like, “Why am I here?” or “Does anything I do really matter?”
If you meet God, protector angels, or some metaphysical cosmic being that gives meaning to your life, then suicide is not for you. Mission complete.
Step 2: The Dramatic Monologue
Perfect the art of the dramatic monologue. Stand in front of a mirror and channel your inner Shakespearean actor. Deliver soliloquies filled with despair, regret, and existential dread. To be or not to be is the classic one. Just Google Hamlet. That should get your negative juices flowing.
For further research check out https://www.poemhunter.com/poems/suicide/
Bonus points if you can shed a single tear.
If you do this long enough you will realise there is nothing original in your suicidal impulse. And nothing will change in the universe. You might feel better except there is no you to feel anything. Remember the words of the Sufi mystics – and Abraham Lincoln: this too shall pass.
Step 3: The Full Isolation Experience
Isolate yourself from the world. Not physically, but mentally. Pretend you’re the last person on Earth. Or in a glass bubble on the moon. Shut out the noise of social media, avoid all human contact, For details imagine you’re living in a post-apocalyptic wasteland. With a full fridge.
Nobody else to dump on you. No deadlines. Nothing to get hung up about. Strawberry Fields Forever.
It might be lonely being the last person on earth and nobody will miss you when you’re gone but why bother pushing the boat? Just float.
Step 4: The Nonchalant Nihilism
Adopt a nihilistic worldview where nothing really matters. Practice saying “whatever” to everything and everyone . Did you spill coffee on your favorite shirt? Whatever. Your boss offloaded his anger on you? Whatever. The world is ending? Whatever. Soon, you’ll achieve a Zen-like state of indifference. Whatever. There is great beauty and relief in that.
Step 5: The Emotional Rollercoaster
This is only for true warriors. Ride an emotional rollercoaster daily. Start with intense euphoria at achieving something mundane, like perfectly toasting your bread. Then, plunge into deep despair when you remember that toast will eventually get cold and stale. As do all things. Have faith then lose faith. Trust and be deceived. Check out how you are valued as long as you are useful, as soon as you are no longer useful you are not valued. Repeat this cycle with various aspects of your life for maximum effect.
 This usually gets to the heart of the matter. You have to stare this one down, like an alpha wolf in the wilderness.
Step 6: The Metaphorical Funeral
If that doesn’t work, try attending a funeral for your self. Write a passionate eulogy about the person you used to be and bury a time capsule with mementos of your past life. For maximum effect dress in black, play Beethoven’s Funeral March , and give a speech to an audience of stuffed toys. Then watch as the pallbearers haul your sorry ass away. Done. The pesky problem of existence solved.
There are several variations of this theme: there is the Viking warrior boat in flames solution, the Roman funeral pyre , or the floating down the Ganges.
After the ceremony, emerge as a “new you,” reborn from the ashes of your former self.
Step 7: The Constant Existential Dread
Cultivate a constant sense of existential dread. This can be achieved by regularly reading philosophy books that question the nature of reality, or binge-watching documentaries about the eventual heat death of the universe. Ask yourself 10 times an hour what is the point of it all? Why why? Always keep a dark, foreboding thought at the back of your mind for that authentic life is pointless feeling. For maximum effect go on a diet. Tune into your misery depressed self. Frown and stare at blank walls.
See how long you can keep this up before you crave pizza and your favourite dumb ass Netflix show that makes you smile.
Step 8: The Fantastical Escape
Finally, create an elaborate fantasy world in your mind where you can escape at will. Populate it with strange creatures like talking trees, and a noble race of elves. Imagine you are on an adventure even when you just walking down the road. Conjure up a heroic version of yourself on a quest. Whenever real life gets too much, retreat into this world and live out your hero life.
This article is meant for entertainment purposes only. If you are experiencing real thoughts of self-harm or suicide, please seek help from a mental health professional. These suicidal impulses can be overwhelming. Try to smile in the meantime because help is always on the way.